my thought on the day

Woke up almost 1pm…and I was like have no idea how to start with this Sunday morning.I know I have reading to be done and some assignment I should start but my mind not into any of that.Found myself in a very disorganize state that I didn’t know where to begin my day.I have been at this state of mind for awhile since back from a holiday with family.It was fun and as soon as im back to my college I was thinking of getting a ticket again for the next holiday.Miss all of them, though sometime the argument among us almost inevitable but I cherish those moment with the loved one or I should say the love of my life.

My days gone by without a say of grace , a thankfulness of the beauty this life this few weeks and today I successfully forced myself to pause and be lost in the gratitude to God for a fraction of a second and in an instance I can feel the difference .I always believe this

So im back here, after weeks or probably months of not writing anything.first of all, before exam I was busy with revision and study then packing my stuffs then when I got to my hometown,theres no internet connection in there so I was like totally cut off from my internet world for 2 weeks then I was back here again but then my mind and my soul was still in a holiday mood.It took me days to get my system back to my routine here.Even that im feeling like still unorganized but today I was better .Probably that is why im here now…..opening my heart

What really gets into me today was the all the memory , the warm feeling of being with someone I care and loved so much but had gone long time.Im not very sure why am I having this moment of ‘unexciteness ‘ and disappointment out of the blue.Those were the sweet days that have gone , even the heartbroken was healed but believe me the scar will remain. Everything was forgotten or probably have been placed at the subconscious part of my mind and theres always a risk that it will haunt me back .It came back to me now…I have loved him genuinely and open up my heart like I never before but in the end I was the one left crushed with my own feeling.Theres always the reality that always scared the hell out of me- the reality that he probably never love me back! ..Ouchhh .I doesn’t know about this and doesn’t really want to know or it will take the taste out of my tongue BUT other times, im dying to know.ohh Im helpless……………………………… I still do talk to him once in a while.Sometime im trying not to know anything about him but most often than not I love to hear from him and its killing me.I resent myself for having all this thought and feeling about him after what had happened between us and for the fact that all of these still bother me at times.

Right now, I just hope that this state of mind will be considered normal because I still value the sanity of myself.

I usually write when im upset, undecided, unexcited , disappointed and lost but trust me , its not easy to focus unless you willing to fight with your inner self.

Living my life

Last week i was posted at the oncology ward, another week of experience at that place.It was a good exposure because it very different from other wards but the same its also a bit depressing.

Again i cant help but feeling depress but this time i think i can handle it much better than previous one.

The good thing is that everytime i look at them , i cant stop thanking God that for good health He has blessed me.I believe that, so many time in our lives we tend to forget how lucky we are.

As i dealing with this sick people, it bring out the grateful feeling inside me to be able to help them ease their pain and to remind myself that there are people out there who are struggling with the health.

No doubt that every now and then, my heart always haunted with the pain and hurt because of my previous relationship that didnt work out.This thing is one of the biggest issue in my life but when i think deep and think hard about it again, its just nothing compared to what happen to the poeple who have lose their health and is about to lose their life in a matter of time.

Right now,just im living my life , i guess im happier now.There is always this ups and downs in everydays life that i have to deal with but that is just the reality.

the time of my life

By this time , exam week has been over which mean i got all the time in the world for myself.There are assignments and presentation but its not as stress as the exam week.

Two days ago we had a blast day, we were supposed to celebrate Nurses day on the 12th of May but because of the exam week we only had it on the 23rd but either way it was fun.Despite of the sunburn and bodyache the next day, i think it was really good and worth it.After all, we only had it like once a year.






Even now, im still having that burning and aching but its so much lesser than the previous day.It was just funny though when seeing everyone the next day with 2 colour tone.

So that was all what have been happening to my life after the exam week.During the exam week, my time was all about sleep and study and nothing else.After all those chaos week , i was craving for sleep so i indulged myself in the world of sleep.But soon after that, i felt tired and weak for too much sleep and my routine have been upside down.I still find myself rushing to do things, i was wondering what went wrong.....

I have lost interest to do the things that i have been waiting to do .Theres a time when im feeling lost, i guess i needed something more but i couldnt figure it out.

This is one of the few list that im scared about in life.....

So i go back to the very foundation of all the aspect of life , the spiritual life of mine.I always believe this but honestly, its always hard for me to keep it to where it should be.Spending quality time on reading that enhance this part of life give me more clear view of the path that im going through.

Finally, im here and more than happy to be able to write the things that couldnt be say out loud.

memories

Just like the gush of blood pouring out after the third stage of labour , that it is with me right now , a gush of words , memories and thoughts inside me that i cant keep myself away from my laptop.

Like a saying , when its rain , it pours....

The perfect evening, the view of a fading sun on the face of the earth and its quietness allow me to contemplate about everything.There are time when my head is empty , when i dont know what to write but today is different...it cant be ignored.
my mind brought me to where i started reading, yea i do have this interest the moment i know how to read but english book or novel is never my choice.There are so many reasons for that -english is not my first languange , even if i try,i wouldnt understand a thing and i will end up never touch it at all , i never know its important to learn other languange until its quite late. Then i was in my phase of life where i have to step out , let myself grow up by seeing the world outside.At this new world of mine, i didnt have much choice but to learn .With the 'pressures' around me , theres this motivation from inside of me.It was some kind of positive drive within me.I did a lot of reading, all of the material were in english , everything! there was improvement to my english and my interest to read have grown as well but only limited to the religious book that i could find in my church's library.
There so much of changes happen to my life after that , it was all mainly of the circle of friend that i have made.There were good things and some bad moments happen throughout, some honest mistake that i have made but i can only learn from it.My point is that lots time i have wasted on something that didnt give me much advantage , which i could have learn something better and be somewhere better than i am now but then again , we are to learn from mistake.

Today, im glad that the my interest towards reading has cultivated and it grew as passion in me.

My mind continued to linger to my one of the patient i have nursed yesterday , she had this terrible pain in the most sensitive part of the body.Looking at her gnawing in pain, made my heart wept , my tears welled up in my eyes and the worst part was i cant do anything to ease her pain.Of course pain killer was given to her prior to the treatment or whenever nessecarry but it didnt seems work for her.

For a moment , i felt hopeless

Unfortunately, i cant indulge myself in that feeling of hopelessness because i need to put courage , put on smile , put on every positive substances before i move around to other patient.While waiting and hoping for the time to pass by and find a moment like this to drain it out from my system before its toxicate me.

an evening on sunday

Drizzle has turned to fat rain pouring out to the earth and some splashed onto the glass window next to where i am sitting now..i was just enjoying the dampness of the atmosphere for few minutes then the sun appeared again and i dont know how long it will shine till it rain again or probably not , by the look and the warmness of the temperature , the rain is seems unwelcome.



Whatever the weather is or how many time it change itself it wont make any different to how i felt right now.Not many things to do except for the daily errands and the study hour for me to accomplish.The feeling of emptiness and sometimes loneliness have been inside me since long ago but its doesnt seems bother me much this day, i had too many of those days and i have learnt to stand and held my head up high.

This moment its not about how i have been so stupid or how weak i was after that 'something' in my life didnt work out but it is all about how much i have learn to move further and turn my head to the positive side of life and eventually be grateful for where i am now.There were moments when i felt so hopeless but today there are so much of things ahead of me that i wanted to achieve and couldnt wait to get there.I am at the stage in my life where theres no turning point , i either go ahead with the dreams or i let them go.But that never is my choice , letting them go is never the option except for some of the days that i felt so much of pressure but then i looked around me , i saw my friends who struggling just like me so i felt not alone and i know i have to finish what i have started.
Avoiding our routine or rather stop doing things that makes us happy is the most harderst part, at least for me. I will never forget how much it enervated me every single moment and it felt like nothing left in me by the end of the day but apparently the things that almost look like weakest point of my life has turned into positive thing that still growing in me.Apart from that, i have learn that avoiding or walking away is the smartest things to do if its only cause our life to stumble .Its barely a month from that turning point in my life but i have found load of things for myself to be indulge with and be happier than ever.

The sun still shine brightly outside as i glanced at my watch its only almost 3pm , no wonder.I have been sitting at this corner for hours now ignoring any sign of life around me as i am so into my reading then surfing then browsing then writing and listening to my favourite love songs.I thought i heard another sound, yea it is.... the rambling sound of my stomach as i missed my lunch.

Another book

I have my eyes on Cecelia Ahern's novel this week.For a start, i have finished 'P.s I love you'. This book is superb , a story of a couple who have lived most of their life together but then separated for ever after the death of the husband.Throughout the story , i cant help but feeling depressed for Holly ,for her to go about the day without her husband and live only because of the monthly messages .My heart really went out for her.Everytime , she got the message i felt a lump in my throat just like her i guess and at times inevitably i felt my tears ran down my cheeks. I felt her sadness, her emptiness and her loneliness.Maybe i was just too emotional, too sentimental.

The one thing that i hate reading a love story is that i tend to feel sorry for myself after the whole story but that was before, i have learnt to handle it.What i really love about this novel was that there were lots of emotion in me that i didnt know , that i didnt understand before but Miss Ahern has put it in words for me.Eventhough the situation is very different but the feeling towards it are all the same.The feeling of loneliness that sometimes i wanted to run away from but other times i just value it. Another thing is the jealousy of seeing other people moving on happily with their life, with the perfect partner while me on the other side have none of it.It wasnt like i hate other people being happy , no , not at all but i wish i could have it just like them.
Just like Holly, there were time when i did not know what to live for or i was once had the feeling of no reason to wake up in the morning.That is why i got so into this novel , into to life of Holly because all those emotions have been so familiar to me.But at certain page of this novel, i found it amusing because of its humorous elements such as character of Leo the hairdresser and Ciara , Holly's sister.Eventhough i was a bit upset because Holly didnt find love with Daniel but the end of the story she moved on with a million of happy memories of Gerry, the love of her life.

I have another book of her -'If you could see now', lying on my table waiting to be read

Books

Another idyllic day has gone by and another beautiful bright morning today as i sit facing my laptop, browsing , thinking and writing.

Last week i was trying to concentrate on my revision and put my novel aside but i ended up finishing it instead and found myself in a bookstore hunting for more and with the highest hope that the author has come up with its another sequel.

Love story novel was not really my interest when i have started to love reading , i was more to self-improvement book or autobiographical or book that will enhance my general knowledge about things.It wasnt like love story does not interest me at all rather i was trying to avoid any element that will only bring me back to my own love life that did not work out well.I was very sensitive about it, i guess i was just trying to forget the memories of it.
Anyway, long story short , my friend bought me a book by Ken Follett called "Pillar of the earth".The title itself doesnt really spark anything to me.The story revolved around 12th
century in England about a building of cathedral and i found myself with the book almost all the time and didnt put it down till i have finished.

The story are about a lot of interesting character - Tom the builder who was one of the great mason, who started the foundation of the cathedral which became the most beautiful building in history of Kingsbridge.There were Aliena and his brother who learnt about life the hard way after being ripped off from their royal status.Everything would be different for both of them if only Aliena willing to get married with evil William.There were a lot more family conflict involved not only to the royal family, Tom builder's family but also in the family of the monk who trying to sabotage each other.Prior Philip was among the handful priest who hold the rule of celibecy to end of his life.Towards the end of the story , the author wrote about the love story of Jack Builder and Aliena .It is a happy ending story apart from the death of Tom Builder which almost made me cry.



As soon as i have finished this book , i have bought the sequel of its - " World without end".This one is even more exciting and lots more adrenaline rushed.I found myself holding my tears and the next page there was an anger in me.I cant help myself from having those emotions and it made me kept turning the page.The book is about the grandchildren of Jack Builder and one of them has inherited the passion to build from him and continue to build the most magnificient and tallest building in England after a decade after of the story of 'Pillar of the Earth'.Here, Caris is the most bravest woman in this story and her passion to help the sick people really touched me.As much as she love Merthin , she doesnt want to marry him because she believe that marriage means putting herself and her whole life under the man's order for ever.She sacrifice her love, her true love because she chose her to serve people , to give hope to others when she herself at times seems weak and hopeless especially after Merthin left Kingsbridge.


Theres a lot more about this book that i think the author has really succeed in putting the readers to the edge of their emotion just as what it has done to me.

Right now, im still looking forwards getting his book but it seem like the bookstore in my area provide quite limited choices.I bought new novel , still in the middle of reading it.I wanted to say its a fun book that i was smiling all by myself while reading it at certain page.Yesterday, i was wondering or rather hunting for a new book while waiting for my friend doing her errand.I got my eyes on few books and its a World's book day , they got this best price offered so it occured to me how lucky and happy i was as i walked back to the car park.